Familiarity Breeds Fondness

A number of disciples once paid a visit to the Venerable of Gelug (the Yellow Hat Sect), the Venerable asked one of the disciples, “Why do you practise Buddhist cultivation?”
The disciple answered, “I’d like to depart from the six great divisions in the wheel of karma, and I hope to attain Buddhahood!” 
The Venerable said, “I’ve heard that you’re going to get married soon. Why’re you getting married?  If you want to find a woman to bear a child for you, with the advancement of contemporary science and technology, you can have artificial insemination instead; If you need family life, senior fellow brothers (learning under the same Guru) can live with you as a family, a big family indeed; If you need consolation in heart and soul, learning Buddhism can help you with this; If you say you love her, you’ll be tied and afflicted by annoyance because of love. How can you practise cultivation and be liberated in such circumstances?  I really can’t understand!  Can you explain to me why you choose to get married but would like to attain Buddhahood at the same time?”  
The disciple, “… (Speechless!)”

Though there are lots of situations that may bring about ‘men and women falling in love’, in general, it is nothing more than ‘falling in love at the first sight’ or ‘familiarity breeds fondness’. Apart from teenaged boys and girls who are the most readily to fall in love in such circumstances, the same may also apply to married people, Buddhist practitioners or even monks/nuns. When they come across situations that easily lead to ‘familiarity breeds fondness’ and if they are unable to be self-disciplined or control themselves, ‘annoyance and trouble’ will appear in their mind!

In the eyes of men, women with beautiful appearances, sweet voices … are attractive, when they get along with these women for some time; it is very easy for men to produce a desire of loving them. If it is solely a desire, it will relatively be better. However, if it makes them so confused that they are unable to control their emotions anymore, they will then fall into contradiction and thus suffer from great pain!  When a man and a woman get on each other in the course of time, affections between them will be produced unwittingly. If the ‘love’ continues, it will become tangled and puzzled. This will in turn hinder one from being monks/nuns or continue to be monks/nuns; one’s cultivation loses its steadiness but encounters ups and downs. More seriously, one’s cultivation will be terminated!

Having determined to stay away from ‘love’ and ‘desire’, some monks/nuns or practitioners still find it difficult to avoid the kind of love arises from ‘familiarity breeds fondness’, in that case, how can ordinary people be expected to withstand the magic spell of attractions between opposite sexes!  Let’s get some ideas from the following extract of a Buddhist Sutra:
The Holiness Ananda had once asked the Buddha, “After the Parinirvana of the Buddha, if there’re women coming to seek for teaching, how should they be treated?”
The Buddha answered, “Don’t meet them.”

The Holiness Ananda continued to ask, “In case they are met, how should they be treated?” 
The Buddha said, “Don’t talk to them!”
Ananda then asked, “If they are talked to, how should they be treated?”
The Buddha replied, “One should review and criticize oneself!”

Postscript from the writer:
According to Buddhist Sutras, fateful coincidence is something inconceivable. Classified in a simple way, fateful coincidence can be divided into two categories, namely good-link and evil-link. Good-link can simply be sub-divided into good-fated relationship and gratitude-returned relationship. Similarly, evil-link can simply be sub-divided into ill-fated relationship, grievance-avenged relationship. If the subdivision goes further on, it will get complicated. Concerning the fateful coincidence between people, some may appear at the beginning of their lives, some in the middle-half and of course, there are some at the later stage. Some also happen during the pre-medium stage, the post-medium stage or last all along from cradle to grave. The duration of fateful coincidence can either be long or short and is automatically broken up when the fate terminates. This is what the Buddha has discoursed, “Fate originated and fate extinguished” as well as “Formation (the time when worlds and the beings on them are formed), Existence (the Sun and the Moon rise, sexes are differentiated, heroes arise, four castes are formed, social life evolves etc.), Destruction (the time when fire, water and wind destroy everything) and Emptiness”. Hence, all of us have to treasure our fateful coincidence!

When fateful coincidence emerges between two people, outsiders have no way to step in (with the exception of the Buddha and the enlightened ones) or interfere because it is related to the cause and effect of three lives. Just as the Chinese always say, “By the time when fate comes, it cannot be blocked; when fate is to leave, it can never be kept.”

Even for practitioners who are both enlightened and have achieved the Buddha-knowledge of all forms of previous existence of self and others (remark: also known as ‘Buddha-knowledge of all the transmigratory forms of all beings’), they will only provide certain suggestions on improvements or amendments as references for the person concerned when dealing with matter on the shortcomings of fateful coincidence. They will never be involved in the incident themselves as they fully understand that the involvement may make them fall into the whirlpool for as long as many lives or even a kalpa (calamity). The saying that, “Bodhisattva is fear of sowing the causes while sentient beings are afraid of bearing the effects!” is very true. How can one not be cautious of this?!

【The Cause and Effect Sutra (因果經) 】says, “If you want to know about the causes of your past lives, look at the rewards you are reaping now (the present live); If you care about the effects on your future lives, watch out at what you are doing now.”

【The Surangama Sutra (楞嚴經) 】says, “Even if a hundred kalpas have passed, the karma done would never be vanished. For what is fated, one can surely be encountered. Similar for karma done, one is sure to bear the consequences oneself.”