Thank you, Mum!

Essay by Wang Wen-hua
Source: The Internet

My brother and his family took Mum on a trip to Danshui. When she returned, I asked her which places she visited and what food she ate. She did not mention the famous Fisherman Wharf or Ah Gei (Fried Tofu).  Instead, she said excitedly, “I bought some trousers for you!”
I received a red and white striped plastic carrier bag from her hand and took the things out to have a look. They were a set of three underpants. Although they had the pattern of ‘Burberry’ squares, the brand label was ‘Gi-annetto’.
“Is it a famous brand?”  Mother asked me.
“Wow, it’s Italian!”  I said, pretending to be ecstatic.
She exposed a proud expression, “I’m a specialist in buying these!  Italian, only 99 dollars for three!”

At weekends, Mum often visits my house to help me tidy things and wash clothes. Every time she comes, she always tells me off. “Have you gone mad, buying such a large refuse bag?  76 litres?  You live on your own, how can there be so much rubbish?”  I explain to her that a larger refuse bag can cover the entire bottom of the refuse bin, and to the extent of covering the outside edges. In this way, when throwing out rubbish, I will not accidentally discard any rubbish out of the refuse bag as it goes straight into the bottom of the rubbish bin.
“You’re not practising basketball shooting, why do you stand so far away to throw?”  She goes to the side of the dustbin, opens the lid and puts a small bag in it. The small bag crouches inside like a wilted flower. She squats down and lightly puts some tissue paper inside, “You see, how can rubbish fall out like this?”
“Aiya, Mum, it’s no big deal, bin bags are very cheap anyway!”
“How much does a packet of 76-litre bin bags cost?”
“Aiya, just a few dozen dollars.” Actually, I do not know how much they are, I just say it to temporize her.

Later, when the whole family was happily having lunch one Sunday lunchtime, in the midst of such joyous mood, Mum suddenly blurted out a sentence, “Ah, yesterday I went to a convenient store and asked, they told me that a packet of 76-litre bin bags cost three hundred and forty-two dollars. Did you lie to me or did you really not know how much it costs?”  As I chewed the rice in my mouth, I was dumbfounded and speechless.
“Spending three hundred odd dollars on buying something you basically have to throw away, you’re insane!”
After we all had finished lunch and whilst eating fruit, she mumbled away as she watched the Jade Solid Gold on CTS (Chinese Television Station), “Such a waste, one day failure will beckon and reputation will be ruined!”

Mum will not waste money on buying bin bags because in her own world there is not really much rubbish.  Before there has been the concept of ‘Environmental Protection’, Mum has already started ‘to recycle rubbish’.
“Such a beautiful tie, you want it thrown away?  This computer keyboard is very good, just give it a polish and you can still use it!”
She collects all my rubbish and they all look brand new after a good clean. All my discarded ideals have been retrieved by my Mum, who tells me that I need to work hard and one day I will shine and sparkle.
“That lamp was broken,” I said, “It’s useless even after changing the bulb.”
“Oh, alright throw it away!”
No matter how much she continuously moans, ultimately she will let me have some reservations, and adapts to my performance.

Because of Mum’s characteristic of saving, very often we find it necessary to tell her friendly lies. In respect of prices for the things we buy, especially those we buy for her, we deliberately claim them to be very cheap. In respect of our own salaries, we claim they are very high. However, no matter how cheap you buy things for, how much money you earn, in Mum's eyes, we always waste!

Forgetting to switch light off when leaving home, a waste!  Switching on air conditioners in two rooms when being alone at home, a waste!  Drinking mineral water, sitting in business class, not eating all our food, ordering two newspapers, jogging in gym, paying for others to do housework, pouring in too much washing powder, squeezing toothpaste from the top, taking a taxi to the airport, dry cleaning suits after wearing just once, spending money on dishcloths and not using old underpants, all these are wastes!  The karma for all these is something like marrying a lady with measles on her face. Therefore, she would rather be uncomfortable stuffing her stomach so as to finish eating all the food ordered; and she would wash clothes even the fabrics are damaged rather than send them for dry cleaning. This is why we have to hide away all the clothes that need dry cleaning. If we are going to have evening meal at a restaurant, we will skip lunch.

My mum being so frugal is related to her fate and opportunity. She left home when she was young and wandered everywhere with no money on her. She had been a civil servant all her life, every single dollar came from working overtime and savings in mutual trust funds.

“All you young people, living in fortune and not knowing fortune, you’ve never been poor, spending money is like wasting water.” Mum had been poor before and had never felt safe with money. Even though today she already has some savings, she will still tightly close the tap when brushing her teeth and she will never use the washing machine to wash only two or three garments. She therefore earned her money, dollar by dollar. When she spends, it is also dollar by dollar. When we spend, it is always hundreds by hundreds, thousands by thousands just for someone to give change. When she buys anything, she will only take out the exact amount in change. Mum has never used a credit card in her life, nor has she ever been in debt. After the age of sixty, she has never bought any new clothes and she has worn the same pair of shoes for ten years.
We took her to 101 Tower, “Mum, shall we buy this clothing for you?”
“How much?”
“Two thousand dollars.”
We automatically reduced it by ten thousand dollars, yet she still said, “Insane, if I buy it at Yuanling Street, it’ll be a hundred times cheaper!”
We wanted Mum to try something new, so we took her to eat spaghetti, she said, “What kind of idea is this?  Not as good as the cold noodles at the entrance of the alley!”

Mum has never swiped a credit card nor has managed credit before. She sees us buying shares and considers that we are playing with fire. Therefore, when we make a profit, we will quickly let her know we have made a profit; when we make a loss, we will still quickly tell her we have made a profit!
“Although you earn so much,” she said insistently, “one day you’ll lose everything!”
She does not understand the fancy theory of ‘Use money to earn money’. According to her, one can only earn money with own efforts, one can only earn money with hard work. I guess should she one day win the ‘lotto’, she will not dare to collect the prize money. She might have thought that it is the beginning of some demonic possession and eventually one will become ‘Failure beckoned Reputation ruined’.

Mum only saves on herself and is very generous towards others. Every month she urges me to pay rent, it seems like she is the landlady. ‘Things that should be given to others, must be given to others’. Of course, once I have paid the rent, she will moan about me renting such an expensive apartment. However, she only says it for the sake of moaning. As soon as she finishes speaking, she will not miss any opportunity to pay. She lives with my brother and his family. When the newspaper bill arrives, she pays; when the dry cleaning is returned, she pays. When the whole family go out to eat, my brother, my sister-in-law and I have never paid for any meal. She always rushes to pay, sometimes even when all the food has not arrived, she will rush to the cashier, fearing that we will rob her opportunity to show off her grace.
“I know you all work very hard to earn money and have huge expenses. You’d better save your own money. I don’t have many expenses, my money being here is still here, let me pay.”
We watched her pay the one thousand four hundred and twenty-four dollars, rattling away, dollar by dollar until it was all paid in full. My Mum is a complete pitcher when it comes to paying bills, she will not allow the cashier to have any chance to perform.

She not only rushes to pay, but also refuses to take our money. Mum has been retired and we all earn money, so it is more than fair for us to give her some pocket money every month. However, she has never wanted it and she will not accept it when we give it to her. I am still unmarried. Every year, I still receive a red packet from her on my birthday and at New Year. In the past when I had a girlfriend, she even gave it to my girlfriend.
“In fact, I don’t really love her that much,” I told Mum, “You may as well let me have her share.” Yet when I give her something back on her birthday, she always refuses to accept. If she fails in refusing it at the time, she will later hide it somewhere in my house.
She, of course, wanted to give me a surprise, that day when I was lifting my pillow, I unexpectedly saw my wedding funds. However, she was also worried that I did not see it, the whole bag of money might just vanish, so she could not resist in reminding me again: “Ah, I’ve placed your bag of money under the pillow, when you arrive home, quickly put it away.”

Mum saves on two to three dollars for bin bags, but she does not save on large sums.
My brother and I both had studied at private primary and secondary schools for nine years. At that time, the school fees were more than ten thousand dollars per term. When I went to America to study for a MBA, I spent two million Taiwan dollars in two years. These all came from Mum and Dad who posted a few thousand dollars by a few thousand dollars to me each and every term, term after term. I never had to open my mouth to ask, as the bank balance in the account was always sufficient. Every zero in the bank balance was the shadow of Mum and Dad who had eaten cold noodles over ten to twenty years. I was right at the top of a famous school and did not see behind the shadow of Mum and Dad, with their incalculable measure of humbling and grovelling. I once felt that Mum made me lose face in front of my school friends because of her old and shabby clothes and her price bargaining embarrassed me in front of beautiful sales ladies. But if she had not been like that, how could I study my MBA?  Acted like a yuppie?  Engaged in those stylish living, considering myself of higher class than Mum?

The time Mum spent most money was those two years when Dad became ill. At the time, the nursing fee was about ten thousand dollars per week. At the terminal stage of Dad’s cancer, after all treatment had no effect, at Mum’s insistence, the doctor suggested ‘immunotherapy’, which was still in the experimental phase.
The doctor said, “This is also an injection, but the side effects are relatively low and the patient’s degree of pain is relatively small. However this is not covered by the National Health, each injection is ten thousand seven hundred.”
As my brother and I were still considering this, Mum said, “Go ahead!”
At Dad’s funeral, Mum insisted on not receiving white envelopes. Friends and relatives still gave them out of goodwill. They were all collected and donated to charity organisations. “This way, your Dad can still live in another life.”

In Mum’s entire life, she has always been looking for three items of 99 dollars. Today I finally understand that she has lived more nobly than any of us. Ever since I was little I knew that my family did not have much money and because of this, I had, in the past, complained to Mum and Dad. However, as I now look back, from when I was little to grown-up, there has not been a single time, yes that is right, not a single time that I have failed to get the things I want. The toys that I wanted, the clothes that I wanted, the academic studies that I wanted, the life that I wanted, Mum gave them all to me, never discounted and always much more. On the face of it she moaned endlessly, but afterwards she quietly gave them to me.

Mum is more than seventy years old. She has always been in good health and is warm-hearted in character. If you make a telephone call to our house, the one who rushes to answer is Mum. Her saying ‘hello’ sounds louder than the thirty odd year old me. At Chinese New Year, she proactively pays new year visits to her friends and makes more telephone calls than any of us. However, time races by as this year Mum has more problems with her health.
We just went to Fisherman Wharf for a quick trip and she returned with a cold for two weeks.
As I am sitting in the dark living room listening to Mum coughing in her bedroom, I lose count of how many times she coughs, but they should all be recorded against my indebtedness to her. Mum who lays in bed also knows: Her children’s way of thinking is not the same as hers. She is caring enough not to expose those lies we tell with kind intention. If being portrayed as an over-frugal mother can restrain us from being wasteful children at all, she will not mind being labelled as such. She will not deliberately change herself to adapt to us, nor will she hope that one day we will be so thrifty. Points of view are impossible to change, the generation gap forever exists, she will continue buying those three in one set items and I will continue using bin bags. We occasionally will quarrel. After the quarrel, the feeling of regret will feel like a knife. Afterwards, she will still come to help me to wash my clothes, and silently build the bridge that straddles over the generation gap.

The sound of Mum’s coughing got bigger and bigger. I told the 7 year old nephew, “Go to see whether Grandma needs to drink some water.”  He did not pay the slightest attention and stood in front of me holding a box, “Do you want to play with me, the Taiwanese version of Monopoly that I’ve just bought?”
“Haven’t you already had Monopoly?”
“That was the American version.”
I snatched the second set of Monopoly, touching the unbroken plastic film cover and suddenly came out with a sentence: “You youngsters! Don’t know how fortunate you are when you are in fortune. Such a waste, one day failure beckons reputation.......”

At that moment, I suddenly froze, my first immediate thought was.......

Thank you, Mum!

 

Postscript:
Rinpoche said:
●	Once again, you have chosen a very moving essay.  As someone’s son or daughter, you must read the【Sutra on Profound Kindness of Parents and Difficulties in Repaying Them】, translated by On Shi Gao,【Sutra on Profound Kindness of Parents and Difficulties in Repaying Them】, translated by Tripitaka Master Kumarajiva,
	or visit Buddhist Vajrayana Charity Funds Association, www.vajrayanacf.org.hk
	>>	Remembrance of Buddha
	>>>	Read Sutra
●	As Buddhist disciples, please spare some time to read these two Buddhist Sutras again (commonly known as Sutra of Filial Piety).
●	Many married couples, who have also become parents (are even Buddhist cultivators), often moan about their children not paying filial piety to parents and not showing respect to seniors. These grown-up children are more like nestling in the tree. When their feathered wings are fully formed, they will not look back, they will rise and spread their wings to fly far away from the nest. Parents would sigh with regret that their children drink water but do not think of its source, as they do not take care of their parents in return. In fact, these all are common phenomena of present society. It is also the image of the degeneration of human kindness near the end of the Dharma era.
	However, before complaining or after lamenting, have you correctly thought about a positive way to resolve this?  If you are a Buddhist disciple, you should try to guide your children to learn Buddhism and use daily life examples more often to illustrate Buddhist theory. For example, one can participate in voluntary work with children. This enables them to be accustomed with the gift of kindness, to recognise the needs of others and to develop the virtue of benevolence. If your children themselves have already been Buddhist disciples, then this may be due to their superficial understanding of Buddhist theory. As such, you should advise them to read more sutras on Buddhism, especially the Sutra of Filial Piety. Assuming that they are not interested in reading Buddhist Sutras, or even the fact that they are totally unable to accept Buddhist theory, you must honestly ask yourself whether you personally have ever been filial towards your own parents?  If you have done thorough review and realise you have not put filial piety into practice before, then how can you expect your children to show respect and affection towards you in return?
	If both your parents have already passed away, then you no longer have any opportunity to serve and to show filial piety towards them. As your children have not seen you lead by example, it is therefore natural if they do not know how to love and serve you. From a Buddhist perspective, this is said to be the karmic result of your present life. As your children have not fulfilled their duty of filial piety towards parents, they also create their own karma; your children, in the present or future life, must bear the consequences of karma, this is most definite!
●	Talking about ‘Debt of Gratitude’, there is a strange phenomenon in present society, in that we take it for granted when we receive such kindness from others, we do not bear any thoughts of gratitude. When we receive other people’s gifts, or receive an invitation for meal and so on, many people do not even say just the one ‘Thank you’, nor even a superficial gesture. With a human heart like this, what a pity!  How can this society not become a mess!  This is the example of ‘Forget indebtedness and renege responsibility’; those who forget indebtedness and renege responsibility, will not have good karma. In Buddhism, there is a verse of echo-offering, ‘May the merit of my practice, Solemnise Buddhas’ Pure Lands, Requite the four debts of gratitude from above,…’ One of the debts of gratitude is the debt of gratitude to parents. A person who can come to this world as a human being is firstly due to the debt of gratitude of one’s parents: ten months of gestation, then being reared and brought up with care, before becoming an adult. When we become parents of our own children, only then we realise the depth of love and kindness given by our own parents. As such, when we share the same feeling and experience, we will awaken to this underlying principle. Please do not recognise this too late!  Also, please do not let this sentence come true ‘When one wants to repay parents, but finds they are no longer there’ Oh!