Fate of Marriages

Source: The Internet

What is the fateful coincidence that makes a man and a woman enter into marriage?  Are married couples mutually in debt?  Is a marriage an evil karma?  When can fate of marriages come to an end?  As the saying goes, ‘It takes a hundred years of cultivation (or good deeds) to bring two persons to cross a river in the same boat; it takes a thousand years of cultivation (or good deeds) to bring two persons (husband and wife) to share the same bed and pillow.’ It means that for people who can ride on the same vehicle together, they are already said to have the same predestination; for those who can eventually get married, their predestined relationship should be much, much deeper. In other words, conjugal relation is, among all sorts of ‘fateful coincidence’ (remark: In Chinese, it is called Yuan or Yuanfen and the pinyin is yuánfèn. Fateful coincidence is a concept in the Chinese folk religion describing good and bad chances and potential relationships. It can also be translated as ‘destiny, luck as conditioned by one's past,’ or ‘natural affinity among friends.’ It is comparable to the concept of karma in Buddhism, but yuanfen is interactive rather than individual.), the deepest one. However, within these fateful coincidences, some are good while some others are bad.

Fate of marriages can roughly be classified into the following three types:

t	The fateful coincidence that one of them has been graceful to the other

In the process when two persons come across each other, one of them has been graceful to the other and the receiver is greatly touched that he/she would like to express his/her gratitude by redeeming the grace. In this case, if these two persons happen to be a male and a female in their future lives, they will get married because of that past good causation. For instance, once you had been drowned, but nobody was willing to rescue you except a man who tried his very best to save you regardless of his own safety. No matter whether he was able to revive your life, you were very thankful to his gracefulness. In order to repay his great favour of saving your life, you, in the future time, are willing to reimburse his grace even if it is in the role of a cattle or a horse. Situations similar to this fate of marriage is induced by repaying gratitude. Among all different kinds of fate of marriages, this one is considered to be the most perfect and satisfactory. It is because in the deep consciousness of one of them, there is always a kind of dedication with neither complaints nor regrets to his/her partner, hence, both of them are filled with happiness and bliss in their marriage. Nevertheless, this kind of couple is not guaranteed to be free from quarrels or divorce. If there is a personality clash between the couple, conflicts will still be existed when they get along in their marriage.

t	The fateful coincidence that one of them is in debt of the other

The spouse is actually demanding a debt collection from his/her partner. What kind of debt is it after all?  Such debt is of two kinds: one is debt of money; the other is debt of love. Of course, there can be debts other than these two kinds. The following are some examples to illustrate the causes of these two kinds of debts in couples: For instance, you were a male in your past life and you had ever deceived a woman’s affection by making her falling in love with you just for the sake of satisfying your sexual gratification. After receiving sexual desire, you shied away from her insipidly. As the woman was cheated by you emotionally, she would certainly be unwilling to reconcile it psychologically. In this case, you in your future life (a male) will still encounter that woman. When she meets you again, she will probably grasp and hold you tightly so that you can no longer slink off this time. The married couple in this case is said to be paired up by debt of love.
Take for another example, when a man and a woman are in a relationship, the man is always the one who is paying for the expenses in various occasions. If the woman only covets the treat without involving in the dating earnestly, after enjoying a lot of material benefits from the man, she will then leave the man insipidly. The man is surely not resigned under such circumstances. In this case, you in your future life (the female) will meet that man again and marry to him. You will happen to be rich in this life but a very large sum of your money will thus be spent by the man or even all of your money will be possessed by him eventually. This is the kind of marriage caused by debt of money. Though the couple enters into marriage because of evil karma, they can still have the chance to get along well with each another in this life if they can bear the hardships together without any complaints or in dispute.

t	The fateful coincidence that both are in arrears

In the fate of mutual deficit between a man and a woman, the deficit is most probably concerned with money and love. In other words, when a man and a woman are in a relationship and they both simultaneously have committed the debt of money as well as debt of love mentioned above at that time. They then meet each other and get married again in this life and this serves a chance for them to reimburse their deficits mutually.
One can also say that the two of them join in marriage so as to break even the cause and effect. The retribution for good or evil deeds will invariably give people ‘relationships’ all the time to end all the unfairness among themselves. Hence, when you are tied in wedlock, you should treasure it by getting along well. Take the chance to redeem and settle the debts made instead of grumbling the other party (your spouse). Do not repine at Heaven and lay the blame upon other people lest the debts cannot be paid off or owe even more deficits!  Among all kinds of fate of marriages, as both husband and wife have the idea of demanding from the other side, arguments and disputes always occur with each other. However, if both of them can make a certain change in their thoughts by treating their spouse in a ‘totally willing to’ attitude, the debt between them can thus be terminated at a faster rate.  

The above shows the elements for the formation of all different types of fate of marriages. From the point of view of a human’s fatalism, all types of fate of marriages, no matter good or bad, are not yet able to represent whether the resultant marriages are happy or not, not to mention those who get married under the drive of bad karma. Nevertheless, if both parties can fulfill the following three criteria, all marriages can create happy and good couples despite the type of fate of marriage they are having. Therefore, when you are choosing a spouse, these three elements are of great importance:
1) The personalities of both parties are in harmony
2) Both of them respect each other
3) The two are both responsible persons
In other words, external conditions like glory, splendor, wealth and rank are not indices related to happiness.

Is the fate of marriage ended?
Besides, for a married couple in this life, when the husband and the wife are getting on with each other, it is normal that there may be quarrels between them. After the quarrel, one of them may invariably want a divorce, but the other one refuses to accept the demand. When this happens, it means that the deficit between these two persons is not yet finished and the fate of marriage between them has not yet come to an end. On the other hand, if a couple gets along with each other in a flat and insipid relation in occasions without making obstacles or anything difficult for each other, it means that either grace or debt between them is totally wiped off. As a result, both parties can get on like friends; none of them is going to retain the other. The easiest way to tell whether a couple has ended their fate of marriage is in situations that they are forced to separate from each other despite the separation is caused by death, travel (to a distant place), divorce or renunciation of home to become a monk or nun.

• If you are loath to part with your spouse and cry bitterly during the separation, it means that the grace between yourselves is not yet settled and your fate of marriage has not finished.
• If there is still a grudge (against your partner), a discontent or a feeling of unwillingness when the separation occurs, it means that your ‘debt’ is not yet paid up and you will continue to be husband and wife when you meet each other in the future life.
• If you can behave like friends, without any hatred during a divorce, maybe there is a bit of sorrow or sadness but the miserable feeling is not so strong as to keep your other half stay behind, it means that both of your grace and debt to become husband and wife has finally been settled. (Congratulations, you are both free!  !)  

Is being husband and wife an evil karma?
In Buddhism, it is always said that marriage is a kind of evil karma. This is said mainly in the light of cultivating oneself to achieve liberation (from transmigration, karma, illusion or suffering etc.). Viewing from the causes in the past, the fate of marriages is resulted from the unsettled gratitude, enmity, affection or resentment between a man and a woman so that they become a married couple in this life. Before their gratitude, enmity, affection or resentment can finally be able to break even, the man and the woman are always connected with each other in which mutual difficulties and obstacles are created. Thus, a barrier is set when they/one of them would like to focus on practising Buddhist cultivation. However, if both of you wish to end up this fate of marriage quickly, the situation can be improved with the rationality of both parties. If only both of you can think rationally, consider the benefits of him (or her) when making decisions on matters, the kind of mutual difficulties and obstacles (mentioned above) can actually be avoided.

Furthermore, if your fate of marriage has not yet come to an end, but you would like to cultivate yourself in religious practice, one suggestion is that: you can make use of the getting along with your spouse to understand and comprehend humanity. By doing so, you will find that there are still a lot of wisdom of which you have to know. Besides, it is really difficult to learn the human nature in other aspects (except in marriages).

Men and women possess their own strengths and weaknesses (in their genders). A marital relationship is exactly the right timing for you to learn the merits of your other half. There is a great difference between the distinguishing features of males and females, for instance, their desires, their values, their preferences and their psychological needs etc. are different and the solutions to all these are waiting to be discovered when you get along with your spouse in a marriage. If one can have such an insight into marriages, it is already regarded as a kind of cultivation practice.

Though fate of marriage is the stumbling block of liberation, if you can make the best use of such situation to explore human nature, it will become a ‘stepping-stone’ to open up and develop your wisdom instead. May all of you be able to make use of your (marital) status to develop yourselves!